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Submitted on
November 4, 2012
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The freckles on your skin,
Spilling constellations,
Of a future long lost.

Those milky eyes,
Sunken, blinded in clouds,
Of a past ever present.

What have you become?

How could you remain?

These battle scars.
A different kind.
No victory to boast,
As the last man stands.

Drop your weapon, soldier,
Peel from your tattoos,
Shrink into the cobwebs,
where you survived.

Sewing your eyes shut,
With rusted mapping pins.
Doing so, cost you your life,
As I turn from the shattered mirror.
comments/critique.?
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:iconponderhope:
PonderHope Jan 5, 2013  Student General Artist
I like how the imagery matches the title. It's almost like it's someone reminiscing on someone else and how they've changed.
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:icondevilsmatrix:
DevilsMatrix Jan 6, 2013  Student Writer
aw thankyou. I was aiming for that effect at the start, to turn it around at the end.
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:iconarthurcrow:
ArthurCrow Dec 27, 2012  Professional Writer
Superb writing... loved your depth of emotion and descriptions :heart:
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:iconwilhelmina-vanroyen:
I love the opening lines " The freckles on your skin,/Spilling constellations," and think that the poem would benefit from sticking with a cosmological theme. It would bring unity to the piece if the stanzas are themed similarly. For example, battle scars could be changed to some kind of damage that happens from comets hitting the earth, or some other form of starry destruction. There is so much in the galaxy that can be used as metaphors, the possibilities are as countless as the stars.

I also feel that this stanza has no place at all in the poem

Drop your weapon, soldier,
Peel from your tattoos,
Shrink into the cobwebs,
where you survived.

because, although one can argue it fits with the preceding stanza, I don't think the feeling of the poem would change if it were removed all together.
I'd also like to see more of the person being described. If they are the subject of the poem, I want more of them to be in it -- make me miss them when they die, or make me feel the narrator's pain at the subject's death. As Robert Wrigley has said, a good poem informs, delights, and wounds.

There's a lot of potential here! I'd love to see it if you switched to a starry theme throughout the whole piece. You're lucky that your poem comes across as honest and not trying too hard to be a poem.
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:icondevilsmatrix:
DevilsMatrix Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
Thankyou for commenting!!
I do agree with what you are saying. Most of the poems that have touched me have been able to cause me some empathy or pain for the protagonist.
'The possabilites are as countless as the stars'. I see what you did there ;D

I never considered creating a theme such as this, but I do see now that it might improve the flow of the peice. This peice has quite a personal meaning to me, which cant really be seen by others due to the fact they weren't in my head when I wrote it, but I enjoy seeing how others define and decipher my peices. It makes them a bit more diverse. Anyway. Thankyou for your ideas and comments! Help like this is rare and to be apreciated =] I shall try and put some of your tips into place.
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